“You’re Not Listening” by Kate Murphy: The Art of True Listening and Its Profound Impact

It often seems that life is for the talkers. Spend any time on YouTube, cable TV, or a streaming service and you’ll feel flooded by the noise of opinions and self-expression. It’s not all wasted breath, but we learn more by closing our mouth and opening our ears. The opportunities for growth are from listening, and genuine listening is a rare and precious skill.

Kate Murphy’s insightful book, “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters,” takes readers on a journey into the profound art of listening. Drawing from psychology, neuroscience, Terry Gross’ interview style, CIA interrogation skills, Second City improvisation, and personal anecdotes, Murphy reveals the transformative power of active and empathetic listening.

The ability to listen carefully, Murphy says, is a fundamental skill required for success in all aspects of life, from personal relationships to building great products to providing excellent customer service.

Among the research shared by Murphy, psychologist Judith Coche said that people in long-term relationships often lose their curiosity for each other. They assume they know their partner so well that they stop actively listening. Ongoing curiosity and active listening are essential to maintaining strong and healthy relationships.

People feel understood, said Graham Bodie, a professor at University of Mississippi’s School of Journalism and New Media, when listeners respond with descriptive and evaluative information rather than simple nods or paraphrasing. This form of active listening helps speakers understand why someone is sharing their thoughts and encourages collaboration.

Ralph Nichols, a professor of rhetoric, emphasized that being a good listener means using your mental bandwidth to focus on understanding what someone is saying, without taking mental side trips (e.g., multitasking). This intense focus on the speaker’s words and emotions leads to a deeper connection and better comprehension.

Murphy emphasizes that listening is a gift we can offer to others. By actively engaging with people and demonstrating our sincere interest in what they have to say, we can build stronger connections and relationships. When we listen with intention, we uncover the poetry and wisdom that lies within every individual.

True listening also entails accepting the pauses and silences that often punctuate conversations. In these moments, deeper understanding can emerge, and insights can crystallize. Embracing these quiet moments is essential for becoming a proficient listener.

Former CIA chief interrogator and polygrapher, Barry McManus, affirmed the importance of empathetic listening by stating that the CIA intentionally recruits good listeners to be agents. The ability to discern subtle cues, pick up on emotions, and understand the underlying motives of a speaker are skills that can be taught, but elevate a CIA agent candidate when they are instinctual.

Murphy also draws a parallel between listening and improvisation, interviewing Second City Artistic Director Matt Hovde about the skills that make a good improviser. “Improv actors don’t know what’s going to happen next in a scene,” he said. “We train ourselves to be very sensitive to what’s happening on-stage; to listen to what our scene partners are saying and what they mean, because if we miss those details, scenes will make less sense and will seem less magical or funny to an audience.”

Listening not only deepens our connections with others but also heightens our awareness of the world around us. As we actively engage with different perspectives and stories, we become more attuned to the commonalities of the human experience.

If humans spent more time listening than talking, we’d find we are very much alike, which can break down the walls of ignorance and open doors to compassion and understanding.

Through a rich tapestry of anecdotes, research findings, and practical advice, Kate Murphy underscores the transformative power of active and empathetic listening. “You’re Not Listening” serves as a reminder that listening is not merely a passive act but a gift that can enrich our personal and professional lives, foster deeper connections, and promote understanding in an increasingly noisy world.